The Kitchen...

Jennifer and Joel cleaned the kitchen every night after dinner. They cleared the table, washed the dishes and wiped down the kitchen table and the counter tops. Jennifer and Joel worked well together but they didn't always do a perfect job...  

September 15, 1985

Dear Ophelia,

"I just got back from a family meeting about the kitchen. God, I hated it. They make us sit down, stop everything then they commence to put us down and complain. I don't think we've been doing that bad of a job in the kitchen. They say when we do a bad job, it means we don't care about the family. They say we're not considerate and we have to show some responsibility.

God, I've been trying so hard not to create waves. I haven't been arguing with Jeff. I've been trying to accept that life isn't fair, I've been going out of my way for them. I guess I'm very self-centered because I am so involved with my career, trying to determine if I'm insane or not, I've been worried about school, my new friends, my grades, reports I have to do, letters I have to write, my contract with myself, even writing in you--I worry about that--my posture and lately, there's been pressure between Joel and I. I even had a dream that we hated each other.

Lately, he's been saying, much too often, that he hates me, that I'm no fun anymore etc. He says it like he's kidding but I know he's not. Joel demands constant attention and I'm not the type to give it to him. I feel pressured that I always have to be in a good mood and happy to please Joel and that, of course, makes me mad. Anyway, I've been worried about that too. I want things back the way the were. 

I think I worry too much or something. I'm too involved with myself and I don't have enough time to get things done. Anyway, after that meeting, I really cried and I was racked over with sobs. I wish they could just cheerfully say, 'Guys, we want you to start doing a better job cause you've been slipping lately.' But instead, they have a one hour meeting in which they complain and put us down. Everything we say can and will be used against us. I feel like I have to make a list of everything I do for this family so I can show them that I do care and stuff.

Joel doesn't even seem affected by the meeting but here I am breaking down. I need to be appreciated, that's one reason I write in here. 'If only they knew,' I say. They say I don't care but all they have to do is read the contract I made with myself and then they'd know. If I didn't care, I wouldn't be crying right now!

Plus, I get annoyed easily. My mom annoys me. Sometimes her voice annoys me and her facial expressions and the way she totally moves her hands when she's talking. When people start to annoy me, I become very untalkative and unresponsive around them. Mom noticed that and she wonders why but how can I tell her without hurting her feelings?

Anyway, I have been trying with this family. On family trips, I've helped more than ever before. I've done a lot of things that weren't even my job to do. I wasn't raised to help out like Joel and Christian were, I had to learn about it and I had to learn that trust was important. I think I've come a long way. 

And of course I'm self-centered! My whole life circles around me. I only know my own thoughts. I only see out of my own eyes. I feel so alone right now. I feel like a totally alone alien, like I'm different from everybody else (which is good). I feel like no one thinks like I do, I wish I knew how other people thought. 

Well, I gotta go. It's 9:41. I'm too emotional and sensitive. I gotta take a shower, I'm still crying. Bye. Love you, you're like me, Jennifer."

Jennifer's Diary

The kitchen--it's location in the house, all the chores attached to it, the food issues and the money issues it can bring up--the kitchen is the heart and hotbed of the home! Jennifer remembers a lot of family meetings regarding the kitchen!

I feel for Jen in this entry. She speaks the truth--her parents are right--she is self-centered. She's not apologizing for that either. When Jennifer lived with her mother--she was a latchkey kid from about the age of 8. Her job was to take care of herself so that her mom could work. When Jennifer lived with her dad, she remained a latchkey kid and she was unsupervised even when her father was home. Jennifer fed herself all her meals, rode her bike wherever she needed to go, purchased her own clothes and supplies for school, went to bed when she felt like it and was 100% responsible for her own homework--basically, she made all of her own decisions. She used to tell her dad her plans, she didn't ask for permission. This is a lot of freedom for a kid in junior high.

Now, she's in high school. She's trying to change. She's trying to consider the family as a whole. She is feeling pressure from all sides. Teens in general live in pressure-cookers--they are making huge life-changing decisions, they have no perspective of time or mortality, they have jobs, they drive cars, they have tons of homework, they can be their own worst critics, they have no idea how beautiful they are, they are expected to act like adults but they are treated like kids, they have raging hormones, they can reproduce and that's scary and all of it can be overwhelming. It was hard for Jennifer not to live in the center of her own world during this time.

I think Jennifer is suffering from extreme anxiety. It would be cool if some kind of "forensic psychologist" could review her diaries and diagnose young Jennifer. I know she's not insane, but her gut was telling her that she needed help and I think she was right. Jennifer's normal teen problems were amplified through anxiety, depression and mood swings.

While I'm not a fan of medicating children--I think Jennifer might have benefited from some kind of anti-anxiety medication along with therapy. Jennifer did not know how to ask for this kind of help--but she found it anyway--in illegal drugs. It's amazing how resourceful humans are, for better or for worse! Jennifer finds a drug that reduces her anxiety and she takes to it like a duck to water. It was not good behavior on her part, but it may have helped save her life. I wonder how many teens are using drugs just to survive the day?

Did you have a "drug of choice" as a kid? Was it a stimulant or a depressive? Was it just for fun, or did it help you cope?

9/11

September 11, 1985 Wednesday

Dear Ophelia,

"I have a lot of English homework. I have to prepare a 5 minute speech on a controversial issue. I chose animal cruelty. I have to read a biography. Tomorrow, in German, we have a test on was, wir and the day after, a dialogue test. Yea! I finished my condo report in Interior Design, plus I made a floor plan of this condo.

Today during 2nd period, we had a J.A. meeting. I might join it, it depends on how much "at home" work we have to do. I also might become a candy-striper at a nearby hospital. Jennifer is applying too. I saw John today before the J.A. meeting. I wonder if he'll ever ask me out? I hope so. I think.

I'm still kinda nervous in some of my classes. I always am that way 'till I get to know people better. Right now I'm in the process of writing Luke a letter. Damn, I wish he'd write back, but knowing Luke, he probably won't. I hope this Christmas we all go on a ski trip and I hope Luke and Allen go too.

I really don't like Dad these days. But recently, in the last two weeks, I've decided that I should try to be nicer to him. I think he is a good person and he seems to have good intentions for me. He wants the best for me etc. I don't want him to die with us on bad terms, not that he's going to die.

I told him in California that I hated him and that he had no right to be my father. I even kicked him in the stomach during one of our fights. I don't really want things to go on that way so I'm going to try now to not let Dad get on my nerves etc. 

I do feel I need a psychiatrist for the bad things I've done. plus, I'm paranoid. Sometimes I wish and hope I'm insane so I can be put in a hospital and not have to deal with life, plus it'll shock my friends and family. Maybe somehow I'm looking for recognition but mostly, I think I'm always running away trying to find the easy way out of life. 

I used to think of suicide every day, or whenever things started to get bad. I have to be careful with myself so I don't talk myself into killing myself, or stop caring about how my life goes. That may be one reason that I have my main goal in life, being a zoologist and serving animals. It's the light at the end of a long, dark tunnel. My job is to take all the paths that lead to the light and not to stray. Then I can assure myself of life and, hopefully, a successful future. I think I also look for things to blame for just about everything. More later. Love forever, Jennifer."

The date, 9/11, will never be the same for my generation. The images of the planes crashing into the buildings are burned into my memory forever. Even this entry, 16 years before the terrorist attack, brings the events of that day in 2001 right back to me just because of the date on the top of the page, September 11th..

 September 11, 2001

Anyway, it was not lost on anyone that 9/11 consists of the same numbers that all Americans call in case of an emergency, 9-1-1. Jennifer's 9/11 entry is her own 9-1-1 call to herself. She's terrified to live and terrified to die!

As a parent, I find it alarming that Jennifer is having suicidal thoughts and NO ONE around her has a clue. She's a middle-class, straight A student. She's applying to volunteer at a hospital. She has dreams for her future. She just needs to survive high school!!! Even Jennifer is aware that she just needs to get through. High school is the long dark tunnel. She knows there is light at the end. She can see it! Yet she has no confidence that she will make it there.

Jennifer also knows she needs help. This is the second time she's mentioned wanting a psychiatrist. Jennifer, reading this entry now, is not sure why she didn't talk to her parents and ask for help. She remembers thinking that they should just know. They knew when she needed clothes, when she needed a doctor appointment., when she needed to go to bed, when she needed to clean her room--dependent children don't always realize when they need to take care of themselves. Jennifer was also shy. She didn't want to talk to her parents about WHY she needed a psychiatrist.

I think we should all offer our children someone to talk to privately--a trusted friend, a professional, a youth pastor, a relative--just somebody that the parent trusts--and more importantly--someone that the child also trusts!!! Offering the wrong person won't do any good at all.

Jennifer went from being daddy's girl to not getting along with her dad for many, many years. He was Mr. Spock--rigid, unemotional and logical--classic Silicon Valley computer programmer. Jennifer was passionate, sensitive and irrational--classic teenage girl! She kicked him in the stomach to get a reaction out of him. It didn't work. He didn't raise his voice, never shouted, never hit--he frustrated her to no end! Looking back, these aren't bad traits to have! However, Jennifer craved a relationship that was more dimensional.

BTW--I googled "J.A. high school meetings" because Jennifer couldn't remember what J.A. meant. It seems to be a national Junior Achievement program.

I like Jennifer's quote "My job is to take all the paths that lead to the light and not to stray. Then I can assure myself of life and, hopefully, a successful future." Jennifer is still on this path!

Did you have someone to confide in when you were a teenager?

Hair Cares

September 10, 1985 Tuesday

Dear Ophelia,

"Well, there is this guy, John, who likes me. He's pretty cute, not really my type though. He told Amy that he liked me. Amy says he loves me. I'm pretty sure that he likes me cause he acts like it but I keep thinking, "once he gets to know me, will he still like me?". Not that I'm a bad person, but he doesn't even know me. 

Anyway, today I wore new white pants with a white blouse and a red sweater over that. It looked real nice, I thought. I'm still waiting for my hair to grow. Mom trimmed the back a little today. My hair looks yucky cause it's in the in-between stages kind of. I just have it parted in the middle. When it gets to one length, I'm going to get it bobbed and maybe a body wave or maybe even a braid perm. 

I'm surprised at how much clothes I have. For me, it's a lot. I have 3 pairs of jeans and a pair of nice wool pants, eight or nine sweaters (I like them now), six shirts and some other stuff. Oh, und two skirts. 

Speaking of und, today in German I learned how to say, how old are you. Wie alt bist du? and some other ways with he, she etc. Yesterday, we learned the numbers. Also yesterday, I went to Jennifer's house. We played monopoly and played with her pets: Cricket (dog-poodle), Monroe (cockatiel), Sophia (cockatoo) and her ducks. She's lucky. Her and Amy try out for all the school stuff even if they don't know how to do it. I think that's neat that they do that, I never could. It's 9:52, gotta go to bed soon. Today I took a test in World History and tomorrow I have a test in geometry. I finished my Condo report so during Interior Design tomorrow, I'll read Dolphins and study Geometry. Love forever, Jennifer. Guten abend!"

Jennifer has always been suspicious of guys who "love" her based on first sight. It's not because of her insecurity, it's because of her practical side. She knew that chemistry is instant but love takes time. She enjoyed the attention of boys falling for her, but she was weary of anyone who spoke of love too soon. She also didn't like the pressure. She didn't want to live up to somebodies preconceptions about her!

Poor Jennifer had to suffer through her awkward hair regrowth also. Drastic hair cutting is an ancient ritual of grief and mourning. You don't even have to know that to respond to grief with a hair cut. It's instinctive and crosses cultures and continents. Looking back, I wonder if Jennifer's severe hair cut after moving to California wasn't a sign of grief. She had only weeks to prepare for her sudden move, she lost some great friends forever, never saw her dog again and she did not adjust well to a new high school in the middle of the school year. She also rejected all of her old clothes and interests. Does this look like a happy girl?

Jennifer soon after her sudden move from Alaska to California

On the positive side, Jennifer learned to roll with the punches. In Minnesota, after another sudden move and another new high school, we find her re-growing her hair, accumulating a nice wardrobe, getting perfect grades, making friends, learning a new language and meeting boys!

Her grief digs deeper into her, becomes part of her, and she begins to craft her outward shell. Maybe this is a natural part of the teenage years--building a shell around who we really are. It protects us while we adjust to adult pressures and relationships. Then, when we hit our thirties, we begin to chip away at that shell to reveal our true selves once again!

Jennifer's 10th grade photo

Girls! think twice about cutting off your hair--growing it out again is no fun! At least it wasn't for Jennifer!

By the way, what kind of high school offers Interior Design as an elective? I mean, it's cool, don't get me wrong, but in light of state budget cuts, it's a total luxury!

Fun in Minnesota!

September 8, 1985

Dear Ophelia,

"Well two weekends ago (I think), we went on a camping trip to Pipestone. We went through Walnut Grove and Sleepy Eye. It was pretty fun. We went to a Laura Ingalls Wilder museum. I always thought I looked like Laura when I was younger. She reminded me of me. 

 The real Ingalls family!

Friday night I went to a Wayzata football game. You don't really watch the game, it's just an excuse to hang out. I went with Jennifer who rides my bus and her friend, Amy. I had a pretty good time. We also walked to McDonalds. A dance was on that night but we didn't go. I don't really like dances, probably cause I don't dance very well. 

My homework over the weekend was to read how to answer an essay question, review German, study for a test in Geometry and write a report on condos for Interior Design. So far, I'm doing really well in school. I hope I can keep it up. As far as friends, I have about five friends. 

Well, I took my Swiss army knife and I cut off two moles. This was awhile ago. It kind of hurt but the one on my thigh as been reduced to a red bump and the one on my foot is a lot lighter, flatter and smaller. One on my arm is completely gone and the other is just slightly visible (red). I'm pretty happy about it though. The bumps on the backs of my arms are pretty much gone. I weigh around 101 pounds now. I'm thin, not skinny. My knees are still turned in but I'm working on standing on the outsides of my feet. I'm also working on my posture. 

Today we went to Winona to bring Angela some stuff for her new apartment. It's really neat, above a small restaurant. 

Yesterday we went to a picnic for Jeff's company, Trend. It was pretty fun. Mom and Jeff won tickets to the Renaissance Festival. I won a certificate of achievement for the Pepsi Challenge. i could tell the difference between Pepsi and Coke. A lot of people won. I also got 4th place in the sack race for ages 13 to adult. 

I'm wearing my headgear right now. I started, Dolphins, by Jacques-Ives Cousteau. I'm on page 162 out of 256 pages. The time is 10:25pm. I have to go to bed soon. Saturday I got two pairs of Levis, white and gray and a red, sweater-vest which I really like. Well, gotta jam. Love, Jennifer."

I think this entry shows the dangers of perfectionism. Jennifer analyzed every inch of her body and focused on what wasn't perfect. She performed minor surgery with her Swiss army knife! That's a little extreme. What are kids doing in the privacy of their bedrooms? Would any parent guess that they were removing moles with a knife? You may think you know your kid, but do you?

Jennifer just found out last year what the bumps on the back of some people's arms are. It's called Keratosis Pilaris. The body produces too much keratin. Keratin builds up in the hair follicles on the back of the arms and sometimes the thighs. There is no cure for this condition. It tends to be worse in the winter. Her bumps may have cleared up in Minnesota due to the humidity. Anyway, Jennifer now exfoliates with KP Duty scrub and she uses Amlactin lotion--this treats the problem very well! Her skin is better than ever!

I think Jennifer has the same kind of perfectionism that leads so many girls down the road to anorexia, suicide and depression. Jennifer hated being "skinny" so she did not try to control her eating. She controlled her grades.

Pipestone, home of the Peace Pipe!

Not a lot of tourists go there, but Jen and her family went! Jennifer doesn't remember Pipestone, but she remembers Walnut Grove. She grew up watching The Little House on the Prairie. The journey there was more of a pilgrimage than a camping trip! Jennifer did look a little like Melissa Gilbert who played Laura Ingalls in The Little House on the Prairie!

 Jennifer

Laura (Melissa Gilbert)

(I like to think that they both got better looking with age too!) 

Jennifer

Melissa Gilbert (Laura)

First Day of High School (again!)

Jennifer attended high school in Alaska for one semester of ninth grade. She went to San Mateo High for her second semester of ninth grade. She moved to Minnesota and her new high school began with tenth grade. Jennifer was technically a freshman again.

Jennifer felt that having already completed a year of high school gave her an edge. Even though she was beginning a new school, in a new state, at least she didn't have the added stress of being a true freshman. 

The day Jennifer walked into her new, huge high school--she did not know a single soul.

Wayzata High School is one of the largest public high schools in Minnesota. It was, and remains, one of the top public high schools in the nation. Wayzata currently serves approximately 3200 students.

September 3, 1985  Tuesday

Dear Ophelia,

"I'll write about the days I missed tomorrow. Today was the first day of school. I was late for most of my classes. Right now the school is very confusing. I had homework. I'm taking Geometry and I think I'm going to do well this year in math. World History will be a breeze if I keep up, I think. I had it in Alaska and History is pretty easy except memorizing dates. English may be a little tough this year, a lot of writing. Maybe I'll get over my fear. Starting my book really helped. I started it again but I'm stopping until the weekends, I guess. 

I have to write a short paper on what makes me unique from other people. I may write about the way I write in you almost every day or about how I want to become a zoologist. German is really  fun so far. I learned good morning, good evening, goodbye, what does this mean?, Mr., Mrs. and Miss. She seems like a good teacher, Mrs. Melbye. This summer or next, I have a chance to go to Germany for around $850.00 for 3 1/2 weeks and stay with a German family. I hope I can go but I might have to pay for it and I need a job for the summer. 

I met a girl in P.E. named Amy. She seems really nice but that's the only class we have together and we don't have the same lunch. I have first lunch. Well, it seems like I'll never make many friends but in a month or so, I suppose I will. I hope so. Everyone there is really fashion conscious, it's a rich school. 

Anyway, I gotta go, it's 10:30 and I gotta get up at 6:00am. The bus comes at 7:06am. Please help me get through this school year and help me choose and make good friends. Love, Jennifer."

This last sentence sounds a lot like a prayer!

September 5, 1985 Thursday

Dear Ophelia,

"I'll catch you up on other stuff later. It's 10:30pm, I have to get to bed soon. I'm doing this now to ease my mind. I've learned more in German and, so far, I really like it. It's kind of a fast-paced class. Yesterday, we had a quiz and another tomorrow. I got an A on the other one. 

I met this girl named Jennifer who rides my bus. I'm still kind of nervous around her and other people I meet. I just can't be myself. I never know what to say. Well, I'm working on it. I have to learn just to let myself express myself. I keep thinking that my hair looks dumb etc. I have a really hard time talking to pretty girls. I feel so ugly and unworthy. I'll have to work on that. 

Anyway, I wrote an essay on you in English. It was a diagnostic essay. I wrote how it was unique of my to write in you and that you're the closest thing to a god that I believe in. 

In World History, my teacher asked, 'Who has the biggest brain in the world?' I said, 'The sperm whale.' He looked confused. Anyway, today I brought in proof that I was right from my Lilly on Dolphins book. I really faced him. But I was glad to put my knowledge to use. 

The girl in front of me thinks I'm a brain cuz I do so well in World History (so far). But I already had a semester of it in Alaska, so maybe I'm ahead. The class is fast-paced but I'm doing very well in it so far. It's 10:41. I'm not sure about Interior Design class yet but I'm sure I'll get an A. 

I haven't made a whole lot of friends yet but I really hope I do soon. I want to be respected by my friends for getting my work done. You see, I have to keep up in my classes, mostly German and Geometry, so I won't get lost. I'll 'party' on the weekends, but during the week I want to get my homework done. Please try and help me stick to my contract for the whole year. Weekends will be reserved for letter writing etc. My goal this year is straight A's. I don't want anyone to look on me as a geek. I would hate that and I'm not a geek. Anyway, I gotta go, 'Guten abend'. Love, Jennifer."

Funny how even Jennifer seems to know that Ophelia is her placeholder for God.

It's sad when a kid worries about being ridiculed for doing well in school. It's hard to walk the "cool" line.

Jennifer's grades had been good at Bartlett High School in Alaska. Then they dropped at San Mateo High. This was for two reasons. One--the school was in the middle of town. Once she left campus for lunch, Jennifer just didn't come back. The second reason was the lower standard of academics and the slower pace. She wasn't challenged at San Mateo High.

Jennifer loved the fast-paced and challenging classes at Wayzata. She thrived on learning and thinking. She wrote countless essays and was tested and quizzed weekly--she loved it! Wayzata kept her on her toes. Plus, the school was not near restaurants, fast food and 7-11's. There was really nowhere for her to go if she left campus. Also, Minnesota throws a lot of money at it's schools and California doesn't. It makes a difference!

Jennifer saw herself as an insecure girl who didn't express herself. I don't see that. She spoke up when she cared about something. She was a cetacean "expert" and she told the teacher in front of the whole class about the sperm whale brain. She also followed through with proof. That takes some moxy! Jennifer also made a decision to get good grades--in spite of what her future friends might think of her. She wasn't as much of a pushover as she thought she was!


Jennifer was correct about the sperm whale, although it was probably not the answer the teacher was looking for! Sperm whales do have the largest brains on planet earth weighing, on average, 17.2 pounds. Our brains weigh about 3.3 pounds. Some think that a big brain is required to operate a big body. However, a 52 foot long whale shark has a relatively small brain for it's huge body size! Animals our size or bigger generally have much smaller brains than we do. We don't need a 3.3 pound brain to operate our little 165 pound (on average) bodies. I think I know one thing for sure--small-brained animals can be big or small but, either way,  they can't be bright. So what's the big brain for?

What's going on in that head of yours, Moby Dick?

Arachniphobia

August 23, 1985 Friday

Dear Ophelia,

"Today, Mom and I got a free makeover from Revlon. It was kinda fun. I didn't look like a completely new person or anything but I learned a few things. Then Mom and I bought some make-up. I'm afraid we may have spent too much. I think Mom has a weak-spot for make-up. She's happy with the new stuff though. I think she wants a new look and stuff. She hasn't bought anything for herself all summer. 

We also got school supplies today. Orientation is on the 30th. I'm anxious for school to start. I've been so bored lately. I'm almost done with Lilly on Dolphins. I checked out three more books. They had textbooks on sale at Target for $2.99! I bought one called Psychology and Life. I'm paranoid. I have delusions of being someone grander than I am. I have high set goals, some of them are probably impossible but I think I realize which ones are in reach. 

I always think people are plotting against me. Sometimes I wonder if the whole world is pretending to be normal, but when I'm not around, they talk about me and how I totally don't know what's going on. I always feel like I'm being watched. Anyway, I know I'm paranoid so that means that I'm probably not. If I realize it, then how could I have it, you know what I mean? If I know it exists and I know that I have it, then there's nothing wrong because I know about it. It's the people who think that everyone is like them that have the problem. Anyway, I can't wait to read the whole thing, I hope I learn things about myself.

Well Wade Doak wrote me back (did I tell you?) Well, I wrote him back and I wrote to the girl he told me about in Minnesota. Well I gotta go. It's 1:20am. I gotta babysit tomorrow. Love you, Jennifer."

Have you ever looked through a psychology book and began to diagnose yourself? Jennifer identified with paranoia, delusions of grandeur and perfectionism. The perfectionism was real. The rest probably stemmed from the natural self-centeredness of being a teenager.

Jennifer also suffered, and continues to suffer, from shopping guilt. Shopping was always about money--money determined if it would happen or not happen. There was never a discussion of shopping without first a discussion about money. Yes, the two things are undeniably interconnected--but not all children are made continually and painfully aware of that connection. Shopping wasn't a treat, it wasn't fun, it wasn't indulgent, it wasn't spontaneous. It was an ordeal. 

Although they were a middle-class family, they usually had "no money" to shop. When they had money, the shopping was strategic--sale rack only. When they splurged, which was rare, the regret set in before she and her mom were back in the car. Shopping was pretty much a miserable experience all the way around. The only part Jennifer thoroughly enjoyed was the ritual stop at Orange Julius!

August 24, 1985 Saturday

Dear Ophelia,

"Today I made $9 dollars babysitting. I also made a contract for myself. For future reference, it's a contract that says I'll be responsible, keep my room clean, stay out of trouble, eat right, do aerobics etc. It's for a year. I'm really going to try and keep it up. I want to be a good person inside and out. 

I had a dream a few weeks ago about this huge golf-ball sized black widow that wasn't poisonous, or at least, someone told me it wasn't but I knew it was. I held it in  my hand, I kept calling it Arachnida. I tried to put it in it's cage but it escaped. Later on I picked it up then someone took it off my hand but one leg stayed attached to my finger. I was too scared to pull it off and no one would do it for me. I knew it would be there till I pulled it off, but I couldn't. 

Earlier in the dream, before Arachnida, I kept having a feeling on my finger. I kept rubbing it but the feeling didn't go away. Later, the spider leg was attached to that same finger. Becky was in my dream too but she didn't seem very happy to see me. 

I tried to interpret this dream and I think it's about guilt. There is something I did that I'm sure you know about but I can't write it down. Whenever I remember it, I push it quickly out of my mind. Actually, I've done two very wrong things. Maybe the spider leg is guilt. 

Tomorrow, remind me to write about paranoia. I think I'm paranoid. I'll also write about my delusions of grandeur. OK?

I really like my new make-up. I think I look a lot better. It's funner to put on now. Well, I gotta go, it's 12:35am. The grandparents came over for dinner, we had hamburgers. Love forever, Jennifer. P.S. I'm kinda scared of real life spiders."

Jennifer begins to suffer from major guilt her sophomore year! It is related to what happened with Eric and at Whale Park. I looked up dream interpretation. Spiders are meaningful and so is poison. Poison supposedly represents something in your life causing you negativity, disruption or illness. Seeing a spider represents being overlooked by other people. It is also a dream symbol of female protective power. Jennifer was friendless, overlooked, poisoned by her experiences and also trying to protect herself from all of it.

I think it's powerful that images of her experiences would come into her head and she would push them away. She was forcibly trying to block her own memories--this is Jennifer trying to protect herself--but they keep coming back! Just like the sticky spider leg, she ignores it, it terrifies her, she knows that she is the only one with the power to remove it--but she can't face it.

Guilt and shame are major causes of pain for humans, in my opinion. So many of us carry around memories of things we have done or seen or failed to prevent. They haunt us. We don't always feel we deserve happiness. We are humble--but for the wrong reasons. Humbleness because of inadequacy or guilt is low self-esteem, not true humility. Here are some quotes regarding humility as a virtue.

"Many people believe that humility is the opposite of pride, when, in fact, it is a point of equilibrium. The opposite of pride is actually a lack of self esteem. A humble person is totally different from a person who cannot recognize and appreciate himself as part of this worlds marvels."  ---Rabino Nilton Bonder

"True humility is not an abject, groveling, self-despising spirit; it is but a right estimate of ourselves as God sees us."  ---Tyron Edwards       

"The sufficiency of my merit is to know that my merit is not sufficient."   ---St. Augustine

Jennifer will hang onto her guilt for many, many years. She will soon begin to punish herself. Her worst years are ahead of her. She will try to atone through self-abuse but forgiveness is the only path to her own salvation. It will take a bold move from somebody to save her. Her parent's love is not enough. Nobody even knows what has happened to her! It will take a monumental display of forgiveness and sacrifice for her to see her own worth. Something so big that it is talked about for the rest of time! But that's later.....

For now, she is stuck. She strives to be perfect. She writes a contract limiting her behavior to only that which is pleasing. She shoves aside violent memories. She confides in no one, not even in her own diary. She puts on a brave face and gets ready to begin her third high school.

 Wayzata High School

Plymouth, Minnesota

Dolphin Daze!

August 19, 1985 Monday

Dear Ophelia,

"Sorry again. I forgot to write. I have to get back into the habit. Mom and I went shopping again. This time I got a white shirt with a neat blue tie and a blue skirt with a colored, paisley button-up.

Now I'm going to tell you about my career. I've decided I definitely want to dedicate my life to animals, the main one being dolphins. I think I want to become either a behavioral zoologist or maybe a mammologist. I wrote to Wade Doak in New Zealand asking him what he thinks would be best. He wrote a book I read called, Dolphin, Dolphin. Right now I'm reading, Lilly on Dolphins, by Dr. John Lilly. It's an incredible book and pretty encouraging. 

This lady, Margaret Howe, studied and lived with Peter dolphin for 2 and 1/2 months. One of my goals is to live with a baby dolphin for 2 or 3 years. I also want to study dolphins in the wild. Dr. Lilly founded an institute in St. Thomas dedicated solely to the communication between man and dolphin. Their brains are bigger than ours. John Lilly feels that instead of looking for aliens in outer space, we should be studying our own aliens in inner space, the dolphins. Their world is completely alien to us. They are the humans of the sea. Anyway, I want to try and communicate with them. I think it's very possible. Bye for now. Love, Jennifer"

Jennifer wrote about her future career before--she was going to be a writer. Her fears and issues with writing made turning to another career pretty easy. She combined her love of animals, her natural curiosity and her desire to find meaning in life all into one new career--dolphin expert! She was excited by Dr. Lilly's research. He believed that eventually people would be able to talk to dolphins. Isn't this every little girls dream--to talk to animals! Well, it was Jennifer's!

Jennifer used to throw open her bedroom door and turn on the light hoping to catch her stuffed animals in the midst of playing a game. She just knew they were magical. She talked endlessly to her pets, willing them to understand her. Jennifer was always seeking, seeking, seeking. It went beyond just her pets, Jennifer was seeking connection.

Humans are not meant to live alone, to feel alone. I think we all seek connection to the point where it ruins us or saves us--just depends on which avenue we use to get there. Lack of connection is worse than an unhealthy connection--this is how so many of us humans get into trouble! Jennifer tried many avenues, God being the last one. Her personal relationship with God finally quenched her need for connection.

August 20, 1985 Tuesday

Dear Ophelia, 

"Today was an incredibly boring day. I watched Santa Barbara (I saw the very first show) and some other stuff. I mailed three letters--Dan, Katie and Cheri. Guess what someone (who shall remain nameless) and her boyfriend, Tom, have started having sex. She told me in a letter. They started around February. At least they are still going out. The guys sounds like a jock that only wants one thing from her, but I guess she likes him a lot. 

Angela came over to pick up some camping gear. She doesn't make me nervous anymore. I guess I'm getting used to her, she's so pretty and funny. Gotta run. Love, Jennifer."

Jennifer's friend, age 15, sought connection and found it with Tom! Jennifer was amazed by her friend. She couldn't relate to two people choosing to have sex on purpose. She thought her friend was too young. Even Jennifer's ex-boyfriend, Chris, chose not to have sex and he was a high school senior! Jennifer was a weird combination of innocent and knowledgeable from her experience at Whale Park. Her brain had shut down. Her body understood life better than her brain did--if that makes any sense! She was still just a little girl with a dream of speaking to animals!

Jennifer got to meet a dolphin in 1996 in Mexico...Jennifer is the one hugging the dolphin!