Monday, February 8, 2010

Its hard...

March 3, 1985

Dear Ophelia,
"Well Chris and I are still going out. Daniel and everybody knows about it and no one was mad. Things have changed though. I got to know Chris pretty well and I don't like him anymore so I want to break up. Chris said that he loved me but I think he just felt obligated to say that. Well, I'm thinking of a way to tell him but its hard.

Track is okay but I've missed a couple of days in it. I wish I wasn't so lazy. I ran the 880 in 2 minutes and 52 seconds. 

I really am a lazy person and I give in easily to temptation. I am doing what I can to change this but its hard.

Being a teenager is hard. I feel insecure and I'm always worried about the way I act and stuff. I'm trying to just be myself but if I try too hard that doesn't work you know. I just need to be sure that I'm OK just the way I am. Sometimes I feel bad about myself you know but I'm learning. 

I'm not as ugly as I used to be. In fact, when I think about it, I'm better than average. There are a lot of people uglier than me but I think personality counts more so I'm working on my personality because, right now, I'm not consistent you know. I'm trying to just relax and be myself but its hard.

Anyway, I got my hair spiked (kind of). It looks good. Its short on top and stands up. I'm kind of turning mod now. I think I'm doing it because I want people to remember me and I want to be different. Also, I was getting pretty sick of dressing conservatively.

I feel like I have so many problems but most are internal. Physically, I have what I need. I'm not starving or naked but, internally, I am trying to find myself and sometimes I want to die. I'm glad to know that a lot of teenagers go through the same thing and that it should pass as I get older.

School is going ok, my classes are still hard, especially math because my teacher doesn't explain it well.

Well, I gotta go but listen--I'm going to write everyday so I'll see ya tomorrow. Bye. Your teenager, Jennifer"

A page from Jennifer's Diary

I've never heard of anyone trying so hard to be herself, or trying so hard to relax. Jennifer missed the whole point of both ideas!

It will become Jennifer's life lesson to learn how to let things go. She still struggles with this although she is much improved! Jennifer keeps a copy of the Serenity prayer in her bathroom. She also shuts up her brain by chanting, Let go and Let God!

Jennifer writes children's novels. I think she loves to write because she has complete control in her stories. She creates the people, the animals, the land. She controls their actions and destinies. In her books, she is God. Her characters do take on a life of their own. Their personalities dictate the fabric of the story. But, in the end, they fulfill the destinies that Jennifer wills for them. Its hard for a creator like her to take the backseat in her own life. She worries sometimes that God may not know what He's doing!

Jennifer is doing much better at being herself. She had a traumatic experience with someone who misunderstood her and judged her harshly. It bothered her for a long time, really bothered her. Finally, she hit bottom with it. She let go of trying to fit in or please others. As soon as she did this, she was finally able to relax and be herself.

She focuses now on the friends who love her, her husband and her kids--the rest can go hang out with somebody else! She's realized that true friendships uplift her while toxic friendships drain her. She knows now that she doesn't fit in with everybody, nor does she want to!!!

The Serenity Prayer
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference! Amen.

The wisdom to know the difference is key!

Jennifer can't explain "mod" style, never really could, still can't. She was just copying people around her. I think its a 50's or 60's vintage look. Mods at SMHS shopped at thrift stores for vintage clothes. Jennifer never "owned" this look! Casual and sporty remains, to this day, her favored attire.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Thank you for reading The Jennifer Diaries!