Thursday, April 15, 2010

What not to wear!

August 13, 1985 Tuesday

Dear Ophelia,
"It seems I forgot to write yesterday. Well, I babysat Clayton, earned $5. He's a happy kid, didn't cause any problems and ate without mishap. I found out I won't be babysitting everyday but I'll be babysitting weekend nights. 

Today I went shopping for new clothes. Dad sent my child support money. It was very depressing. They make things very big nowadays and I'm too thin to wear baggy clothes. My hair isn't really styled now, I'm trying to grow it one length, bangs too. I hate my hair (now), my legs, my knees, I'm too small, thin, I hate my freckles (well at least I'd rather not have them). It was hard to find clothes. 

Today I got a nice flannel shirt, a sweater and a pair of nice gray pants. I still need jeans, white, blue and shirts for the fall and spring. Anyway, I'm starting to pull out of that black pit. I need to start something big and finish it. I need to get over my fear of writing. I'm too lazy. I can't get up in the morning. I don't feel like a good person. I wish life was simpler. More later, bye. Love, Jennifer."

I think all kids should get a free fashion consultation if they have no idea how to dress themselves--can this be provided at junior high or high school??? Maybe part of health class? Jennifer didn't want to be a fashion plate--but she could have used some help with what to wear to flatter her figure, what colors went with her skin and what hairstyle went with her face shape. The sad thing is that Jennifer could have been a cute teenager--she just needed a leg up!

August 15, 1985  Thursday

Dear Ophelia,
"Sorry I forgot to write again. Well, yesterday I started writing my book about a band of horses living on an island. It's a lot harder than I thought but I'm glad I started it. The hardest parts are present and past tenses. Like should I say, "The island looked absolutely" or "the island looks absolutely beautiful"? And finding a variety of words to keep the book interesting and non-repetitive. Wording is a tough thing. It's very hard, I don't know if I'm any good yet. I hope I finish it. That'd be great whether the book is good or not.

There's this construction site nearby and the boys and I found out we can call long distance on it. I called Luke, Katie, Mark W. (I don't like him anymore), Mike and Lara. I tried calling Cheri but she was at a triathlon. I can't believe how much she runs. She has her own trainer now. She has to run 3 miles in the mountains one or two times a week. I bet she'll be in the Olympics. She could probably win, she's been running since second grade. 

This summer I've been going to bed around 2:00am but sometimes I can't sleep and it's more like 4:00am. I try to wake up at 11:00am but, occasionally, I wake up at 1:00pm. That really sucks. Today I spent about 3 hours writing my book. I have 7 or 8 notebook pages done (front only). I cut myself with my razor yesterday. A big hunk of skin, it was gross. 

I found that I like to take complicated things and simplify them. For instance, life. I have dissected life and found the bare existence of it. The complicated part of life comes from our "smart" brains. All we need to survive is food, water, shelter, people etc. No matter how smart you are, or how much money you have, we all need the same basic things to survive. 

All money is, is a piece of paper with a number on it and you trade it for objects of equal value to the number. All sex is, is a simple act to make sperm join egg to make a baby. I could go on but paper is precious you know. Anyway, I like to break things down to what they really are. It's about 1:45am Ophelia so I gotta jam. Bye. Love, Jennifer and Cocoa."

Jennifer's Journal

Fear of writing! Seriously?

Actually, Jennifer suffered from perfectionism. People with a fear of spiders, don't play with spiders--EVER. Jennifer wasn't afraid to write, she wrote all the time, she still writes! She went on to major in English Literature because she wanted a major that included a lot of reading and writing!!!

How confused she was! She had no clue how to dress herself, how to act around her peers, how to get along with her step-family or that her perfectionism disabled her ability to finish a story. When she was writing for an end purpose--she panicked about the quality of her work. But did Jennifer fear writing? Absolutely not--she clung to it for dear life!

She's also trying to find meaning in her life. It's interesting how different people find meaning. Jennifer didn't have religion to shape her views. Her family was busy working and paying bills. The bills seemed to make all their decisions for them. They either did or did not have the money to do anything. Jennifer tried to find her way by distilling all meaning out of life. She related more to animals. She tried to take all importance out of money, sex and relationships and boil them down to the animal level. It made sense to her, but also drove her crazy. She was too sensitive to believe that nothing mattered. That is a recipe for depression if I ever saw one!

Jennifer is slipping into a depression that will only be getting worse..... 

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